Monthly Archives: July 2016

my wife wins the chat game

Ryan: I’m coming to grips with the fact that I might be waking up at 4am

Wife: that’s fine but either way we are packing today

Wife: so come to grips with that




Ryan: notice I used more “O” ‘s

Ryan: it means I’m more serious-er


Wife: Notice I used more “s”

Wife: it means way more seriouser

Ryan: O’s are more powerful than S’s

Ryan: you’ll learn

Ryan: …you there?

Ryan: crap

I’m Rich

I just got the most amazing email.  I’m gonna be rich!!  Following are the original email and my reply.

—–Original Message—–

From: Johnson Williams [mailto:(removed)]


Dear Sir/Madam,Complement of the season to you.This mail will definitely be coming toyou as a surprise, but I must crave your indulgence to introduce myself to you.I am Mr.JOHNSON WILLIAMS,a Manager at Natwest Bank London,United Kindom.However I got your contact through the International webdirectory. During our ecentinvestigation,reconciliation and auditing of the bank’s account my department discovered adormant account with a huge amount of Money Valued 10,600,000.00 (TEN Million, six hundred thousand,PoundsSterlingOnly) that belongs to One of our late Customer MR. Schmuck,from Beverwijk,Netherlands,who died with his family in a plane crash one years ago. So the fund has been dormant in his account with my Bank without any claim ofthe fund in our custody either from his Family or relation before Our discovery to this development.It is only a foreigner that can stand as a next of kin and it is upon this discovery that I decided to contact you to collaborate with you to pull out this dormant fund.In order to avert this negative development. On behalf of my trusted colleagues we now seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to Our late Customer so that the fund will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary?s next of kin now that the bank is still expecting a next of kin or relative of the deceased, MR.Schmuck.I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and that would eventuall raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer since i still work in this bank,this is the actual reason why i required a second party or fellow who will work with me forward claims as the next of kin and also provide either an existingbank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this fund, even an empty a/c can also serve for this purpose.However, on smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total fund, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses on both sides that may arise during the time of transfer and also for telephone bills,and the remaining 50% will be for me.What I want from you is for you to act as the deceased next of kin. I have in my possession, all the necessary Documents to successfully accomplish the operation. Bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free. Further Information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your wish.Best Regards,


Natwest Bank,London.

——MY reply—–

OMG OMG OMG!!!  You’re like totally for real??  I can’t believe it!  I’m rich biatch!!!Whatever it takes to get this money, I want it.  I will make bank accounts, credit cards, pay the transfer fees,… anything!!  You want my social security number?  It may be easier for you to set up the accounts on your own without me bothering to do it.How about I send you my credit card number now, and then you can use it to offset any initial expenses so we can expedite this process.  I’m really excited to be working with you on this.  My grandmother had an offer just like this from a nice man in Nigeria, but it fell through at the last minute when he asked her for more money and instead of buying her meds she paid him.  Then she died.  But I’m sure that won’t happen with you- you seem like waaaaay cooler than that.  Right?

N-E-way, keep in touch, k?  C-ya!

-Demetri Vergaas

Unfrozen caveman lawyer

I was talking to a friend about a word I heard on a sitcom recently: “Lawyered”.  It is loosely defined as proving someone wrong with solid logic against their weaker argument.  I lawyered him on a topic, and he coined a phrase in return; I was paleontologisted.  Our extremely important conversation on cavemen ended with him telling me that cavemen did not exist in America.  This stemmed from a discussion over what the original language of North America was.  I said “grunt” was the original.  He said native american.  Apparently he’s on top of the ball- there really WEREN’T cavemen in North America.

Well crap.  There it was, hitting me like a ton of bricks.  One of the movies of my childhood that shaped my existence was just refuted.  A movie that launched the career of one actor, and sank the career of countless others.  I’m talking about Brendan Frasier, and I’m talking about the movie “Encino Man.” If you haven’t seen it, it is a charming tale of two guys who find a frozen caveman in their backyard and then use him to make friends (and girlfriends) in high school.  Naturally I figured this was slightly fictional (I mean, who makes friends just because they found a caveman?).  Everything about it seemed like it COULD happen.  I mean, come on… who’s to say I won’t find a caveman, teach him English, and then use him to get the girl of my dreams?  What good is a movie if it just isn’t possible?Well this movie isn’t possible.  It isn’t even PRETEND possible.  What a sham!  These movie executives think they can pull the covers over our eyes and prevent us from learning the truth!  I say NO YOU WILL NOT GOOD SIR!  Boycott this movie with me.  Leave messages on forums complaining about their complete disregard of historical fact.

Getting paleontologisted sucks.